A Journey of Renewal, Faith, and Family

Starting over midway through life, and lets be honest here, that is exactly what I have done, can feel daunting. Especially when you have a young family relying on you. The pressures of financial stability, emotional well-being, and spiritual leadership weigh heavily on your shoulders. But this journey of renewal, though challenging, is an ongoing experience of growth and transformation.

Yes, we have discussed this before, and I sound like a broken record, but I think it is because I haven't addressed the important questions

How did I get here?

Why did I start over?

Why did I choose to uproot and move a million miles away?

What was so bad about life?

Recognizing the Need for Change

To put it simply. I was broken.

Life has a way of presenting moments where we must confront the reality that our current position on the path is not leading us toward the life we desire or the life God has planned for us.

I can not tell you the moment I went to sleep or even the moment I woke up, but I can tell you the realization hit me like a brick wall at 1000 miles an hour. I was aimless. I had goals and yet no ambition. I was on autopilot. I turned on when I hit certain criteria and then turned back off when my task was done.

When I had my kids activities I was there in the moment fully engaged and loving every minute. I socialized with people I loved, laughing and joking while cheering the boys on from the sideline. and those moments were real in the moment, until it was over and I turned the autopilot back on. I went to church and fully engaged with the work and people I loved. Teaching, learning, laughing, and crying and again those moments were real. Then they were over and back into autopilot I went.

I checked the boxes of expectations and and gave everything I had in those moments. and then turned off.

But here's the problem. That simply isn't enough. Its destructive. Its corrosive. and inevitably it leads to breakdown.

I woke up one day and realized I was wasn't enough anymore, I was actually less of a man than I was before. I couldn't check the boxes that were before me and it didn't make any sense. How could I have digressed to the point I couldn't be effective in the very areas that I once thrived. And found myself in a dark hole that I couldn't seem to dig out of.

Developing New Personal Habits

Personal habits are the building blocks of our lives. They shape our days, influence our thoughts, and ultimately determine the course of our lives. And my daily habits had become VERY shallow, and consisted almost entirely of checking the boxes. Eat. Check. Work. Check. Play with kids. Check. Talk to wife. Check. Pray. Check. Read. Check.

But none of these actions are designed to be actions to be checked off. I knew by design that I needed to accomplish them but the reason for these things were lost. And I began an attempt to overcome the pitfall I had found myself in. However, as anyone that has found themselves stuck in the mud can tell you, sometimes it is hard to tell where to start and you just sit spinning your wheels.

Which is where God stepped in. An opportunity was given and as hard as we initially fought it, a leap was taken. IT WAS A HARD LEAP! And we immediately found ourselves 1000 miles from our known support network, our comfortable surroundings, our activities. We found ourselves clinging to the only friends we had at hand (and they so graciously provided the love we needed) as home after home didn't work out, and our moving truck seemed more and more like a scam. but we survived. We found a home that is beyond perfect and has provided for not just my family but many others since moving in. We found that our furniture was easily replaced over time and we didn't actually NEED all of it.

This began the true time of my personal reflection and transformation. And at the beginning of the summer I went into a hard restart. I changed my routine and focus setting time aside, and beginning each morning with a dedicated time for personal studies. My relationship with God is the foundation of my life, and I had let it become shallow, subconsciously believing I knew the "important stuff" and that is all that mattered rather than remembering that you don't know something until you understand WHY it is important. I reintroduced myself to the very thought process I had when I came to Christ questioning and verifying my beliefs with a foundational viewpoint rather than merely what I have been told by those I respect.

I spent time each evening reflecting on my actions, what I did or did not accomplish, and the conversations I had throughout the day, focusing on if it positively or negatively effected my focus on rebuilding myself. I purposely chose not to blog these thoughts this summer, and truly focus on embracing the positives and rejecting the negative outcomes as they pertained to me.

Our thought processes can either propel us forward or hold us back. Negative thought patterns, such as self-doubt, fear of failure, or dwelling on past mistakes, can sabotage our efforts to start anew. It's important to recognize these thoughts and to actively work on correcting them. And ultimately, at times, correcting poor thought processes requires outside help. I sought counsel from trusted friends, and their wisdom and encouragement have helped me not only gain perspective, but helped shaped positive corrections and aided me in returning to the person I want, and feel called to be.

Growing Together

Correcting habits and thought processes is not an overnight process, but it is achievable. And sometimes it requires a the acceptance of a need for a drastic change in your life and your surroundings. By establishing a routine that reflects personal values, transforms and maintains a positive mindset, and focuses on the relationships around me, I have restarted the process of growth. As I do this, I have found that the sense of purpose in the relationships around me have also returned.

As I walk this path remembering who I am, and focusing on continuing to grow, I remember something else. or perhaps a better way of saying that is I finally shut up and listened to something I have been told, and said myself, an incalculable number of times.

I am not alone. The church community, friends, and family, are all working through the same process in different stages of life and thought, and we are all in it together. Sometimes you are needed for support, guidance, and encouragement, and sometimes you need to shut up and Lean on them for support, guidance, and encouragement. And sometimes, possibly most importantly, you need to spend some time in personal reflection and focus on your personal needs before you find yourself blind and broken.